I Got the 'New Year'... But Where's the 'Happy'?

It's been 2 1/2 months since my last blog post... On a blog I've only entrusted a small handful of people to read. There's still something terrifying about allowing everyone to see parts of me that I rarely tend to disclose to those few people... let alone really reveal to myself. This is the deep seeded stuff any good Southerner knows not to bring up in polite public discourse when someone happens to ask how you're doing. Heaven forbid, you catch them completely off guard and answer their passing question honestly...

...Anyway...
- 1 year ago today I was on my way to Portland for my first overnight business trip.
- 5 months ago today I was experiencing my second day of being unemployed.
- 4 1/2 months ago I was given hope from a hiring manager that the beginning of the year would bring a job I was told I was "an ideal candidate for".
- 1 month ago I was on crutches.
- 1 month from yesterday I turn 27...
- 1 1/2 months from today I move back in with my parents...


Up until recent weeks, the past few months had been keeping right along with my new status quo. Still looking for a job. Still doing things with my friends. Still going to church every Sunday. Still wondering when things would finally start looking up.

In September the company I had interviewed with the day before I lost my job reached out to me about a new opportunity. It was a huge confidence boost. Waking up to an email from her postponing our interview 2 days before it was scheduled to take place felt like a huge step back. The company had decided to postpone the hiring of the position until the beginning of the year.

Subconsciously, I think I was hanging around waiting for January to get here so I could finally interview and be offered the job. I reached back out to the hiring manager at the beginning of January only to find out that the position still didn't exist. This news came as I was laid up at my mom and dad's house with a broken leg.

My oldest childhood friend, Erin, was going to be in Winston over New Year's. She suggested the Running of the Lights at Tanglewood Park. From Thanksgiving to New Year cars are lined up every night to drive through the park to see all the holiday light displays. On New Year's Eve they have a 5K that begins at midnight. Neither of us had done this before, so we thought it would be fun to run/walk/mosey through the lights at night.

The 'Before' picture!

I am not what one would define as "a serious runner". Even people who don't know me very well can probably look at me and come to that conclusion. That being said, we decided to run the last little bit. As soon as we started running again, finish line within spitting distance, I stepped on some uneven ground and fell.

It was pure adrenaline and a whole lot of Jesus that gave me the strength to walk across the finish line. My parents live less than 5 minutes from the park, so Erin and I met there before the 5K. In the time it took to get home, around 1:15am, my pain level had increased exponentially. My dad is the most rational one in the family, especially in situations where rash decisions could be made. When he said it would probably be best for me to go to the hospital, we went.

I was the 3rd patient of 2015 in the Clemmons Medical Center Emergency Room! X-rays were taken, radiologists were called to review the film, and a temporary splint was put on. It was broken. With the exception of my first break, I had always been put in walking casts. I hadn't been on crutches in 15 years. To say I resembled Bambi on ice while trying to leave the hospital is an understatement.

My dad and I got home around 3:00am to find my mom waiting to hear what happened. We all got to bed around 4:45am. I stayed with my parents until I had an appointment with an orthopedist about a week later. I'm not proud about this [more embarrassed than anything], but this is the 5th time I've broken this bone in this leg: January 2000, July 2004, April 2005, June 2008, and January 2015.

The 'After' picture

After breaking my leg...again, the job not coming through like I planned, and my unemployment running out, I knew deep down the next thing I had to was move home. My lease is up in the middle of March and that will be the end of the first chapter of my grown-up life. My parents and I have a great relationship and moving back in with them isn't what's bothering me. I feel like it signifies I've failed; that at 27 I will become dependent on my parents again. And I'm sure they never pictured needing to support their adult child who has just moved back in.


My 'New Year' might seem like it got too drunk and forgot the 'Happy', but I've been able to find it... often where I least expected.
1. The 'Happy' is having two parents who took care of me when I couldn't walk for a week.
2. The 'Happy' is having two parents who, while I was staying at their house, got all my dirty clothes, sheets and towels from my apartment and washed them so I would have a clean apartment to come home to.
3. The 'Happy' is realizing that everything I've been going through has strengthened my relationship with my parents.
4. The 'Happy' is having a friend who not only helped me get back in the house after the 5K, but sat in the waiting room at the ER alone while I was there.
5. The 'Happy' is having an aunt who gladly picked me up and took me to church the Sunday I was on crutches so I wouldn't have to worry about driving or walking through the parking lot.
6. The 'Happy' is having an amazing friend who not only brought me Starbucks the Sunday I was on crutches, but gladly went out of her way to take me home from church, too.
7. The 'Happy' was being able to spend an afternoon with my cousin and her amazingly precious little boy.
8. The 'Happy' is having a close group of friends who love me and accept me for who I am and where I am without question.
9. The 'Happy' is having an amazing sister who, despite the distance, can still encourage me with a single pin on Pinterest or make me smile with a stupid snap chat.
10. The 'Happy' is looking back on the past 5 months and being grateful for the things I was able to do because I didn't have to think twice about taking time off work.
11. The 'Happy' is having a best friend in Chicago who regularly calls you on her way home from work and puts in the same effort you do to stay in touch.
12. The 'Happy' is starting this blog and being able to rediscover my love for writing... whether I'm good at it or not... and despite the fact that it doesn't pay!
13. The 'Happy' is knowing, deep down, that I am still me... That my struggles have not and will not become my identity.
14. The 'Happy' is knowing, deep down, that I am stronger because of the road my life has taken.
15. The 'Happy' is knowing, deep down, that through everything, I have always been and will continue to be held by the One who will never leave me.
16. The 'Happy' is having peace that no matter what comes next for me, I won't be facing it alone. I have the most amazing support system behind me holding me up on those days when I just don't have it in me to act like everything is fine.

It's extremely hard to be positive when you're already discouraged and keep taking one hit after another. Never getting responses from job applications, never hearing back from phone interviews, and realizing you can't get by supporting yourself can be exhausting.

When what you're living through makes the future seem bleak, finding the 'happy' might seem like a bigger challenge than you might be up for. Trust me, I would know...it's there right in front of you.

-b

Here's some pictures of where I've found my 'Happy' over the past few months

Sis and I at The Winery at Bull Run

My life has been incredibly blessed by these 3 people

Alee & Adele, Christy & Grayson, and I at the Greensboro Science Center

Sister and I on the metro

Meaghan and I hiking at Pilot Mt.

I love me some Potbelly's

My amazing family

Alee, Christy, Me, Danielle & Linds at Mary's Bridesmaid's Lumcheon

Mom, Linds and I at the Waterfront in DC

She brought me Potbelly's Oatmeal Chocolate Chip cookies, and I took her to the Cookie House

Typical night with the 3 of us

The Batman to my Robin

Fall day in Old Salem

Teaching GG how to 'relax'!

Mom and I on the Parkway

The one and only #MissKaty

Love you, Shhheeerrruuuhhhllluuhhhhh

Nature, Life, Changes & What's Ahead

I spend the majority of my time by myself these days. I've either gotten exceptional at being alone with my thoughts or exceptional at hiding from them...most likely it's a combination of both. One or two times a week I try and get out in public to a. get myself out of the house, and b. be around people. It's a mildly sad existence at the current moment.

I was on my way home from Target last week after one of my weekly outings and started thinking about the changing season and how much it mirrored my life right now.

Over the course of the fall my life changed in a major way. It happened slowly, then all at once... just like watching the leaves change. They gradually start to show signs of yellowing, then one morning you wake up and the world is alive in a smokeless fire of bright oranges and deep reds. And as soon as it ignited, it dies out. Typically this is timed perfectly with that first real chill of early winter.

With the loss of my job came the promise of one shortly after. I didn't think I'd be without a job for any time at all after having a strong interview for a job I was more than qualified for. I wasn't offered that job, but was contacted about being considered for a similar job at the same company. Everything seemed like it was going well...sticking with the chosen metaphor, my trees were full of bright oranges and deep reds.

That is, until two day before the scheduled interview I got an email stating that hiring for the position was being postponed until the first of the year. Just like that, it turned cold and my trees that were once vibrant and alive had been doused with water. Thus began my winter.

Even with advanced meteorological technology, almanacs, and old wives tales we never truly know how harsh the winter will be until it's over. After the leaves fall, the world lies in wait of what may or may not be on the horizon. Much the same, I have no idea of knowing how long it will be until I find a job. I could find one in the next few weeks and find myself experiencing a mild, comfortable winter. On the other hand, it could be months before I find anything which could make for a long, harsh winter draining and destroying any hope I might have left.

I don't know what's in store for me, but God has a purpose and a plan for my life that I don't know. That's the beauty and the terror of life. I'm not currently employed, but my job right now is to trust that the same God who watches over the birds and the fish will never leave me.

I know I talked about this in my last post, but this is what my life is right now. It's hard...really hard to not know the end of my story. My faith reassures me that with God we always know how the story will end. Being the human I am, all I can do is ask forgiveness for my unbelief while I wish I had a Cliff's Notes copy so I could skip ahead a chapter or two and see that everything does, in fact, turn out ok... That I will make it through this winter, regardless how long or severe, with minimal damage.

-b

The Trifecta: Part One

[The nature of this post is purely therapeutic. Since writing is one of my coping mechanisms, a blog post on these topics seemed only natural. As I began to spill out all the details that have occurred over the past few months, I realized this was going to be an extremely long post. This is Part One of The Trifecta Story.]  


It's interesting how life has a way of  rocking your world from all different angles all at once. In a matter of a few weeks I was dealt a hand that drastically changed my life affecting everything from friends, to work, to significant others.

When one of my best friends told me that she was starting to look for jobs out of state, I wasn't surprised. Her work situation was less than ideal and not exactly what she was wanting to do for the long haul. When she called and told me she had accepted a job offer halfway across the county, I sat at work and cried... Then she cried... Then we cried together.

 

As a young adult starting out in a new stage of life, it's hard to find those people you really connect with, who understand you, and who prove what a real friend is. She is one of those friends. Someone who becomes a part of the furniture and decor of your life...but not a generic beach sunset poster famous in dorm rooms from coast to coast. She's more like a comfortable, reliable, forgiving arm chair that you'll never get rid of because you know it'll be there for you...unlike some wobbly IKEA bar stool from your first apartment that may or may not have gotten broken the day you got it because you didn't put it together correctly. I mean, this girl is so epically awesome she has her own hash tag which is often used in place of her name.

We have the same sarcastic sense of humor, the same love for singing in the car, and the same love for Jesus. The one thing we had differing opinions on was food! She is adventurous and likes a wide variety of cuisines. I, on the other hand, am very comfortable with what few things I like: starches, chicken and cheese. She made me try avocado and once told a waiter not to 86 the Havarti cheese on my sandwich after I asked for it to be left off. The Havarti was a good call. The avocado, on the other hand, did not go over so well.


In the few weeks leading up to her inevitable departure, shenanigans you'll read about in the posts to follow took a downward spiral. Knowing I wasn't going to have a key member of my support system here during the struggles that I was about to face was a hard reality to come to terms with. I went with her to pick up the moving truck, helped pack up her townhouse, and helped clean and vacuum. At first I was crying on the inside like a winner, but as the night wore on, the tears started to flow freely. Standing in her empty living room where I cuddled with Lil Nugget, watched movies during Girls Movie Night, had deep talks that will stick with me forever and most importantly where I accepted my Oscar, I officially started crying on the outside like a loser.

It's one of those things you don't think is really going to happen until it does. And then with tears streaming down my face I hugged one of my best friends bye. To say this girl has been a blessing to my life is a gross understatement. We've laughed together, cried together, vented about things together... But the one thing I treasure most of all is her unfailing and constant prayer and strength when I've needed it most. She is one of my sounding boards, a voice of reason and someone I always turn to when I need to hear her reassurance that everything is going to be ok. She made it easy for me to be myself without feeling like I had to apologize for my quirks like food, or the fact that I can't help how much of an emotional soul I really am (If you've ever come in contact with my mother, it's obvious that I get it honest).

I knew this wasn't going to be a friendship that would end up becoming a faint memory of a girl I hung out with for 2 years when I was in my 20s. Thankfully, we live in a world where we have instant access to someone regardless of geographical location which makes staying in contact easy. It sucks not being able to have lady dates, or watch MacGyver, or have her here to talk through things, but having someone who puts in the same effort to stay in touch makes it easier to maintain that friendship.

I look forward to watching her journey and can't wait to see where God takes her in the future!
 

You, Phil Collins, are in my heart...right next to Reggae Jesus. Love you, #MissKaty!

-b

Case in Point...

As I've been working on getting this blog created, time has completely disappeared. Last I checked, it was 11:45 pm... It is now 4:53 am and an informercial for a cordless blower just came on. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I just spent an absurd amount of time picking out backgrounds, color schemes, fonts, choosing the perfect words to say 'About Me', changing everything I had decided on, then changing everything back to the way I had it the first time.

I now feel that all I have done is prove the fact that I do, in fact, clearly have nothing but time...and yes, I do have sweats on. Lord knows if I had to be up functioning normally at work in 3 hours like the adult I used to be, there would be a zero chance I would even have a blog to post this to.

It's a pointless, yet ironic, first post... But you have to start with something.

Good Night, err... Morning? Whatever it is, I'm going to sleep now.

-b