Wandering. Wondering. Blonde.: I Got the 'New Year'... But Where's the 'Happy'?

It's been 2 1/2 months since my last blog post... On a blog I've only entrusted a small handful of people to read. There's still something terrifying about allowing everyone to see parts of me that I rarely tend to disclose to those few people... let alone really reveal to myself. This is the deep seeded stuff any good Southerner knows not to bring up in polite public discourse when someone happens to ask how you're doing. Heaven forbid, you catch them completely off guard and answer their passing question honestly...

...Anyway...
- 1 year ago today I was on my way to Portland for my first overnight business trip.
- 5 months ago today I was experiencing my second day of being unemployed.
- 4 1/2 months ago I was given hope from a hiring manager that the beginning of the year would bring a job I was told I was "an ideal candidate for".
- 1 month ago I was on crutches.
- 1 month from yesterday I turn 27...
- 1 1/2 months from today I move back in with my parents...

Up until recent weeks, the past few months had been keeping right along with my new status quo. Still looking for a job. Still doing things with my friends. Still going to church every Sunday. Still wondering when things would finally start looking up.

In September the company I had interviewed with the day before I lost my job reached out to me about a new opportunity. It was a huge confidence boost. Waking up to an email from her postponing our interview 2 days before it was scheduled to take place felt like a huge step back. The company had decided to postpone the hiring of the position until the beginning of the year.

Subconsciously, I think I was hanging around waiting for January to get here so I could finally interview and be offered the job. I reached back out to the hiring manager at the beginning of January only to find out that the position still didn't exist. This news came as I was laid up at my mom and dad's house with a broken leg.

My oldest childhood friend, Erin, was going to be in Winston over New Year's. She suggested the Running of the Lights at Tanglewood Park. From Thanksgiving to New Year cars are lined up every night to drive through the park to see all the holiday light displays. On New Year's Eve they have a 5K that begins at midnight. Neither of us had done this before, so we thought it would be fun to run/walk/mosey through the lights at night.

The 'Before' picture!

I am not what one would define as "a serious runner". Even people who don't know me very well can probably look at me and come to that conclusion. That being said, we decided to run the last little bit. As soon as we started running again, finish line within spitting distance, I stepped on some uneven ground and fell.

It was pure adrenaline and a whole lot of Jesus that gave me the strength to walk across the finish line. My parents live less than 5 minutes from the park, so Erin and I met there before the 5K. In the time it took to get home, around 1:15am, my pain level had increased exponentially. My dad is the most rational one in the family, especially in situations where rash decisions could be made. When he said it would probably be best for me to go to the hospital, we went.

I was the 3rd patient of 2015 in the Clemmons Medical Center Emergency Room! X-rays were taken, radiologists were called to review the film, and a temporary splint was put on. It was broken. With the exception of my first break, I had always been put in walking casts. I hadn't been on crutches in 15 years. To say I resembled Bambi on ice while trying to leave the hospital is an understatement.

My dad and I got home around 3:00am to find my mom waiting to hear what happened. We all got to bed around 4:45am. I stayed with my parents until I had an appointment with an orthopedist about a week later. I'm not proud about this [more embarrassed than anything], but this is the 5th time I've broken this bone in this leg: January 2000, July 2004, April 2005, June 2008, and January 2015.

The 'After' picture

After breaking my leg...again, the job not coming through like I planned, and my unemployment running out, I knew deep down the next thing I had to was move home. My lease is up in the middle of March and that will be the end of the first chapter of my grown-up life. My parents and I have a great relationship and moving back in with them isn't what's bothering me. I feel like it signifies I've failed; that at 27 I will become dependent on my parents again. And I'm sure they never pictured needing to support their adult child who has just moved back in.

My 'New Year' might seem like it got too drunk and forgot the 'Happy', but I've been able to find it... often where I least expected.
1. The 'Happy' is having two parents who took care of me when I couldn't walk for a week.
2. The 'Happy' is having two parents who, while I was staying at their house, got all my dirty clothes, sheets and towels from my apartment and washed them so I would have a clean apartment to come home to.
3. The 'Happy' is realizing that everything I've been going through has strengthened my relationship with my parents.
4. The 'Happy' is having a friend who not only helped me get back in the house after the 5K, but sat in the waiting room at the ER alone while I was there.
5. The 'Happy' is having an aunt who gladly picked me up and took me to church the Sunday I was on crutches so I wouldn't have to worry about driving or walking through the parking lot.
6. The 'Happy' is having an amazing friend who not only brought me Starbucks the Sunday I was on crutches, but gladly went out of her way to take me home from church, too.
7. The 'Happy' was being able to spend an afternoon with my cousin and her amazingly precious little boy.
8. The 'Happy' is having a close group of friends who love me and accept me for who I am and where I am without question.
9. The 'Happy' is having an amazing sister who, despite the distance, can still encourage me with a single pin on Pinterest or make me smile with a stupid snap chat.
10. The 'Happy' is looking back on the past 5 months and being grateful for the things I was able to do because I didn't have to think twice about taking time off work.
11. The 'Happy' is having a best friend in Chicago who regularly calls you on her way home from work and puts in the same effort you do to stay in touch.
12. The 'Happy' is starting this blog and being able to rediscover my love for writing... whether I'm good at it or not... and despite the fact that it doesn't pay!
13. The 'Happy' is knowing, deep down, that I am still me... That my struggles have not and will not become my identity.
14. The 'Happy' is knowing, deep down, that I am stronger because of the road my life has taken.
15. The 'Happy' is knowing, deep down, that through everything, I have always been and will continue to be held by the One who will never leave me.
16. The 'Happy' is having peace that no matter what comes next for me, I won't be facing it alone. I have the most amazing support system behind me holding me up on those days when I just don't have it in me to act like everything is fine.

It's extremely hard to be positive when you're already discouraged and keep taking one hit after another. Never getting responses from job applications, never hearing back from phone interviews, and realizing you can't get by supporting yourself can be exhausting.

When what you're living through makes the future seem bleak, finding the 'happy' might seem like a bigger challenge than you might be up for. Trust me, I would know...it's there right in front of you.

-b

Here's some pictures of where I've found my 'Happy' over the past few months