Nature, Life, Changes & What's Ahead

I spend the majority of my time by myself these days. I've either gotten exceptional at being alone with my thoughts or exceptional at hiding from them...most likely it's a combination of both. One or two times a week I try and get out in public to a. get myself out of the house, and b. be around people. It's a mildly sad existence at the current moment.

I was on my way home from Target last week after one of my weekly outings and started thinking about the changing season and how much it mirrored my life right now.

Over the course of the fall my life changed in a major way. It happened slowly, then all at once... just like watching the leaves change. They gradually start to show signs of yellowing, then one morning you wake up and the world is alive in a smokeless fire of bright oranges and deep reds. And as soon as it ignited, it dies out. Typically this is timed perfectly with that first real chill of early winter.

With the loss of my job came the promise of one shortly after. I didn't think I'd be without a job for any time at all after having a strong interview for a job I was more than qualified for. I wasn't offered that job, but was contacted about being considered for a similar job at the same company. Everything seemed like it was going well...sticking with the chosen metaphor, my trees were full of bright oranges and deep reds.

That is, until two day before the scheduled interview I got an email stating that hiring for the position was being postponed until the first of the year. Just like that, it turned cold and my trees that were once vibrant and alive had been doused with water. Thus began my winter.

Even with advanced meteorological technology, almanacs, and old wives tales we never truly know how harsh the winter will be until it's over. After the leaves fall, the world lies in wait of what may or may not be on the horizon. Much the same, I have no idea of knowing how long it will be until I find a job. I could find one in the next few weeks and find myself experiencing a mild, comfortable winter. On the other hand, it could be months before I find anything which could make for a long, harsh winter draining and destroying any hope I might have left.

I don't know what's in store for me, but God has a purpose and a plan for my life that I don't know. That's the beauty and the terror of life. I'm not currently employed, but my job right now is to trust that the same God who watches over the birds and the fish will never leave me.

I know I talked about this in my last post, but this is what my life is right now. It's hard...really hard to not know the end of my story. My faith reassures me that with God we always know how the story will end. Being the human I am, all I can do is ask forgiveness for my unbelief while I wish I had a Cliff's Notes copy so I could skip ahead a chapter or two and see that everything does, in fact, turn out ok... That I will make it through this winter, regardless how long or severe, with minimal damage.

-b

The Trifecta: Part One

[The nature of this post is purely therapeutic. Since writing is one of my coping mechanisms, a blog post on these topics seemed only natural. As I began to spill out all the details that have occurred over the past few months, I realized this was going to be an extremely long post. This is Part One of The Trifecta Story.]  


It's interesting how life has a way of  rocking your world from all different angles all at once. In a matter of a few weeks I was dealt a hand that drastically changed my life affecting everything from friends, to work, to significant others.

When one of my best friends told me that she was starting to look for jobs out of state, I wasn't surprised. Her work situation was less than ideal and not exactly what she was wanting to do for the long haul. When she called and told me she had accepted a job offer halfway across the county, I sat at work and cried... Then she cried... Then we cried together.

 

As a young adult starting out in a new stage of life, it's hard to find those people you really connect with, who understand you, and who prove what a real friend is. She is one of those friends. Someone who becomes a part of the furniture and decor of your life...but not a generic beach sunset poster famous in dorm rooms from coast to coast. She's more like a comfortable, reliable, forgiving arm chair that you'll never get rid of because you know it'll be there for you...unlike some wobbly IKEA bar stool from your first apartment that may or may not have gotten broken the day you got it because you didn't put it together correctly. I mean, this girl is so epically awesome she has her own hash tag which is often used in place of her name.

We have the same sarcastic sense of humor, the same love for singing in the car, and the same love for Jesus. The one thing we had differing opinions on was food! She is adventurous and likes a wide variety of cuisines. I, on the other hand, am very comfortable with what few things I like: starches, chicken and cheese. She made me try avocado and once told a waiter not to 86 the Havarti cheese on my sandwich after I asked for it to be left off. The Havarti was a good call. The avocado, on the other hand, did not go over so well.


In the few weeks leading up to her inevitable departure, shenanigans you'll read about in the posts to follow took a downward spiral. Knowing I wasn't going to have a key member of my support system here during the struggles that I was about to face was a hard reality to come to terms with. I went with her to pick up the moving truck, helped pack up her townhouse, and helped clean and vacuum. At first I was crying on the inside like a winner, but as the night wore on, the tears started to flow freely. Standing in her empty living room where I cuddled with Lil Nugget, watched movies during Girls Movie Night, had deep talks that will stick with me forever and most importantly where I accepted my Oscar, I officially started crying on the outside like a loser.

It's one of those things you don't think is really going to happen until it does. And then with tears streaming down my face I hugged one of my best friends bye. To say this girl has been a blessing to my life is a gross understatement. We've laughed together, cried together, vented about things together... But the one thing I treasure most of all is her unfailing and constant prayer and strength when I've needed it most. She is one of my sounding boards, a voice of reason and someone I always turn to when I need to hear her reassurance that everything is going to be ok. She made it easy for me to be myself without feeling like I had to apologize for my quirks like food, or the fact that I can't help how much of an emotional soul I really am (If you've ever come in contact with my mother, it's obvious that I get it honest).

I knew this wasn't going to be a friendship that would end up becoming a faint memory of a girl I hung out with for 2 years when I was in my 20s. Thankfully, we live in a world where we have instant access to someone regardless of geographical location which makes staying in contact easy. It sucks not being able to have lady dates, or watch MacGyver, or have her here to talk through things, but having someone who puts in the same effort to stay in touch makes it easier to maintain that friendship.

I look forward to watching her journey and can't wait to see where God takes her in the future!
 

You, Phil Collins, are in my heart...right next to Reggae Jesus. Love you, #MissKaty!

-b

Case in Point...

As I've been working on getting this blog created, time has completely disappeared. Last I checked, it was 11:45 pm... It is now 4:53 am and an informercial for a cordless blower just came on. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I just spent an absurd amount of time picking out backgrounds, color schemes, fonts, choosing the perfect words to say 'About Me', changing everything I had decided on, then changing everything back to the way I had it the first time.

I now feel that all I have done is prove the fact that I do, in fact, clearly have nothing but time...and yes, I do have sweats on. Lord knows if I had to be up functioning normally at work in 3 hours like the adult I used to be, there would be a zero chance I would even have a blog to post this to.

It's a pointless, yet ironic, first post... But you have to start with something.

Good Night, err... Morning? Whatever it is, I'm going to sleep now.

-b